The Open File - Cold Turkey
Submitted by
NM Zug on Tue, 03/31/2009 at 1:26pm.
The Open File
by Life Master Mike Petersen (Zug)
Cold Turkey
Well, I just got back from a two-week business trip, and it was hell. After arriving and settling into my motel cubicle that was to be my "home away from home", I started contacting the usual sources for information about the local chess clubs.
First, I tried the phone book. You know, I have NEVER seen a chess club advertised or even listed in a phone book. I don't know why I bothered. Strike one.
My next attempt was the local newspaper. There was great information about the bridge club and various activities, but still no chess. Strike two.
Then I got smart. I phoned the local public library. If anyone was going to know where chess was played, they would. After a nice conversation with the information desk, I had found out that, not only was there not a chess club in this city now, there never HAD been one. Strike three swinging.
No problem, I thought. I can just open my laptop and go to Chess.com. What’s this? My hard drive crashed? Noooooo!
What was I going to do? No chess for two weeks? I can't give up chess for that length of time cold turkey! My eyes started to dart around the room. I was frantic. What to do? Ah-ha! I could go to the nearest large city! They had chess there, I was sure. Only one problem, I had no way to get there. Oh, sure, I could take a cab, but 60 miles was a bit much to pay a cab driver just so I could play chess.
Another thing, I had simply not bothered to pack any chess literature, not even my pocket chess set. I was in real trouble. I could already feel the chess version of the DT's coming on. During the course of the next two weeks, I found myself straining for any indication of chess. It was ridiculous. The building I spent most of my time in had a bathroom tiled with a checkerboard pattern. I think I set the record for the most potty breaks during a two-week period. I would go in and gaze longingly at the patch of black and white tiles, imagining bishops and pawns, queens and kings, all dancing across the wall. Then I would be brought back to earth by the rapid exhalation of natural gas from one of the stalls. I had reached the nadir of my two-week purgatory.
Finally, mercifully, it ended. I got back on the airplane and arrived back in my home town, safe, but maybe not so sound. I hurled open the door to my home, my wife awaiting me with open arms. Savagely, I ignored her welcome and immersed my aching brain into the nearest chess book I could find. I sucked it in as a man in the desert drinks his fill at an oasis. Finally, I was sated. I turned to acknowledge my wife. Funny, she wasn’t anywhere to be found. Then I found a note pinned to the refrigerator. It said, "Gone to movie. Dinner in the fridge ... cold turkey".
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